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Where did i lose my energy at?

it's so fucking hard to channel all this energy in only one cup, too many thoughts, small space, and nonexistential skills. I have always wanted to write down my dreams right after I wake up, combine them together, and produce a mind-bending short film, just like all the twisted movies I fall in love with. my hands are too heavy, can't even pick them up, and create something as beautiful as what I see on all platforms every day. it's just sad that I know how amazing my mind is, that I create a whole music video from scratch whenever I listen to this song that resembles my feeling somehow. wish I could create something, something visual, that touches your heart, get out those early memories from under the ashes of our sad present, something that opens your eye wide shut. but damn, the competition is at its peak, everyone is talented and already pro with showing it off, all at one time. creativity shouldn't be a contest, but for an insecure person like me, if my skills do
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Shame

The clearer my personality becomes the more I'm pushed away and Rejected for how aggressive I am, bold I am and loud I am. Reprimanded for how scandalous my actions are, Shamed for how hard I punch back, cuss back and fight back. As much as rude, harsh, and sharp I am, I'd still fight for the closest ones to me, defend them, and save them with all of my heart. I'm just painted out to be bad, bad for my right to refuse, to say no, to shout back, to be who I am. I'm so sick of them coming at me again, and for how much I am supposed to please them and satisfy their guts so they give themselves a chance to absorb the fact that this is my outer shell. They are all mad at me when I get mad back at them as if I'm supposed to be as peaceful as I can to fit in, to be loved and wanted.  Feeling their careless whispers everywhere around my head, warning each other not to play with me, not to talk to me, and that its better to for me feel left out, hopefully, I will behave, hop
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Trying to Heal

I have been blogging since 2015, I had my own blog, mainly I wrote about stuff that didn't relate to who I actually am or even my persona. who knows me well or knew me back in 2015-2017, would know that all my posts were inferiorly and superiorly based on a virtual game I was obsessed with and fashion/makeup trends. I stopped blogging a long time ago, my motives to cut off blogging out of my life was maybe because of lack of appreciation and recognition, maybe I grew up and lost my interest in what I was normally passionate about. people change, but I'm sure that I'm still seeking for people's validation and approval, this never changed. It's hard when you always need eyes on you to push further and to do more. no one keeps staring at the same painting at a museum forever, and it's still, still beautiful and it made it to the museum. I'm safe to say that I write for me, that doesn't mean that I don't wish you could relate to me.i wish you can feel me
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